Learning that someone you love now loves someone else is always a blow: a blow to the ego, a blow to the heart, a blow to the mind. I sometimes wonder whether life would be better, happier without falling in love or being in love. I more often remember the love lost and the pain then the love in the moment. I suppose that is because I have been unlucky in love for so many years.
I am happy knowing that I love my friends and my family deeply. I am happy knowing that they love me. I can trust them and it is understood that even when mistakes are made, love is not lost.
On the other hand, romantic love has never been like that for me. I have never felt so loved in a relationship. I keep seeking and hoping to find a loving and caring companion. That is so predictable to say but it is true. The point is that I am active about finding love and happiness. I have a hard time having faith that I will find it. I want to believe that it will happen.
That faith is what has gotten me nowhere in love. I have not had faith in myself with regards to the other sex. I have never felt good enough or worthy enough until recently. Maybe that is why I have not attracted the right kind of people. Maybe faith is all you need.
I know that what would make me happy right now is the love and understanding of a friend on the phone, a yummy brownie (sorry Passover), and a glass of wine. That should do the trick.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
9:34 pm
It is such a rarity when I find myself ready to head to bed at this time. The work day took so much of my energy and the little energy I had left was used for a well-deserved workout. Today, I tried my best to teach and guide my students. I know there were parts of the day that I would do better and the next time round I hope I will. Unlike me, some of my students decided to fight the will to learn today and that brings on frustration. I have to remember that they are just kids and have adolescent brains. There is a lot going on in their lives. No matter what we must do our best to make it work.
My moment of happiness today occurred when I received a compliment from a 30-year veteran teacher. She explained that my peer observation went well with a 40-year veteran teacher. They now think very highly of me as an educator. I feel proud of myself and happy that I am doing good for my students. Teaching is so lonely sometimes and praise is not common from peers. So that one short moment really made me feel good.
Can you think of a moment that made you happy today? A time when a smile broke out on your face? I invite you to create a moment if you have not had one yet today or if you would like another. Find a funny video of animals doing silly things or put on a song that you know will surely have the right effect. My go to is to dance. It always seems to uplift me. Whatever you come up with, enjoy it!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
A day off
Finally, a day when I hardly thought about work and I was not stressed. It seems like it has been such a long time since I was able to relax. The first year of teaching in K-12 schools in the US really has been a rough experience. I thought with the years of teaching under my belt in Europe that I could handle this better. I was sadly mistaken!
But the point is that once planning is taken care of, life begins and the happiness returns. I wonder whether one day planning lessons will bring me joy. It is not a total impossibility. Pourtant cette idee c'est la folie totale!
Back to the reason why I am writing tonight. It feels good to have had one day off, to feel completely free to do what I like, how I like, and whenever I like. I made myself happy by taking a 2 hour walk in the sun and I even happened upon some bubbling brooks. I was able to enjoy the Duke game with my father and make pizza. Miam miam. I spent time with a friend and I also took the time to see my mother. We ended up watching the red carpet at the Oscars. It was terrible. My mother was completely irritated by how boring and repetitive the whole event is each year. It was so bad I could not stand to watch more than 10 minutes of it.
The rest of my night was spent enjoying some sushi and watching past episodes of Top Chef. I even had the time to paint all my nails. It just feels like I'm regurgitating each moment of my day and to a reader this may be a nuisance. My apologies. It has been an eventful day, one where most everything I have done or accomplished has added to my overall happiness and I feel much more calm and balanced than during the beast of a week I had at work.
I hope you too have found some happiness in your day. Je vous souhaite une bonne nuit.
But the point is that once planning is taken care of, life begins and the happiness returns. I wonder whether one day planning lessons will bring me joy. It is not a total impossibility. Pourtant cette idee c'est la folie totale!
Back to the reason why I am writing tonight. It feels good to have had one day off, to feel completely free to do what I like, how I like, and whenever I like. I made myself happy by taking a 2 hour walk in the sun and I even happened upon some bubbling brooks. I was able to enjoy the Duke game with my father and make pizza. Miam miam. I spent time with a friend and I also took the time to see my mother. We ended up watching the red carpet at the Oscars. It was terrible. My mother was completely irritated by how boring and repetitive the whole event is each year. It was so bad I could not stand to watch more than 10 minutes of it.
The rest of my night was spent enjoying some sushi and watching past episodes of Top Chef. I even had the time to paint all my nails. It just feels like I'm regurgitating each moment of my day and to a reader this may be a nuisance. My apologies. It has been an eventful day, one where most everything I have done or accomplished has added to my overall happiness and I feel much more calm and balanced than during the beast of a week I had at work.
I hope you too have found some happiness in your day. Je vous souhaite une bonne nuit.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Be the leaf
I dedicate this post to Ashley Scott.
It is midnight and I have settled in bed for the night. I am emotionally drained and I look forward to some rest. It will undoubtedly help me get through another work week.
My life is draining. Money is tight, work is super stressful, my family is in dire straits, and my love life in shambles. But I know I will get through it.
This weekend I ended a very short relationship with a wonderful man. He was kind, caring, understanding, supportive, loving, and so giving. One might ask why I ended it. It still seems hard to swallow but the truth is, I wasn't happy most of the time.
He was great and this is very true. He did so much for me and for that I will forever be grateful. However, he lacked a few fundamental qualities that are very important to me. I just wish I had had the guts to recognize them sooner. Then I would have much less of a heartache and would not have put him through any pain. Time will heal the wounds as it usually does but right now I miss my companion.
La vie n'est qu'une vague. Il faut flotter comme une oiseau sur la surface. Be the leaf and let the wind carry you. I learned that from this man. I understand it. I also learned that life is not simple and that in the worst of circumstances, you can pull through and make things work. Another thing which I realized is that I must be true to myself at the end of the day. I am glad I did in this case even if it hurts right now.
Tonight I will go to bed alone with a heavy heart. But I hope that tomorrow I will wake up feeling lighter, relieved of my decision, and ready to face a new day. Here's to the pursuit of happiness.
It is midnight and I have settled in bed for the night. I am emotionally drained and I look forward to some rest. It will undoubtedly help me get through another work week.
My life is draining. Money is tight, work is super stressful, my family is in dire straits, and my love life in shambles. But I know I will get through it.
This weekend I ended a very short relationship with a wonderful man. He was kind, caring, understanding, supportive, loving, and so giving. One might ask why I ended it. It still seems hard to swallow but the truth is, I wasn't happy most of the time.
He was great and this is very true. He did so much for me and for that I will forever be grateful. However, he lacked a few fundamental qualities that are very important to me. I just wish I had had the guts to recognize them sooner. Then I would have much less of a heartache and would not have put him through any pain. Time will heal the wounds as it usually does but right now I miss my companion.
La vie n'est qu'une vague. Il faut flotter comme une oiseau sur la surface. Be the leaf and let the wind carry you. I learned that from this man. I understand it. I also learned that life is not simple and that in the worst of circumstances, you can pull through and make things work. Another thing which I realized is that I must be true to myself at the end of the day. I am glad I did in this case even if it hurts right now.
Tonight I will go to bed alone with a heavy heart. But I hope that tomorrow I will wake up feeling lighter, relieved of my decision, and ready to face a new day. Here's to the pursuit of happiness.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Morale
Here's how it's going. I'm on the brink of getting my Master's degree in Teaching French and ESL which is what I want to do. I am starting to look for jobs. I am single. I could go anywhere and do anything (within the realm of teaching French or ESL/EFL). And I am miserable.
I have spent the last year and a half back at home in Durham, North Carolina to better myself and my prospects. What I have found, as a result, is that my job prospects are not so good and that I left, perhaps, my best companion in France. Isn't this all so ironic?
What I am feeling is probably not unreasonable but it seems like I should be a little happier. I mean I'm getting a Master's degree, in the field that interests me! I'm a much better teacher than I was before I started a Master's. Isn't that supposed to make me happy? Aren't I supposed to be celebrating? I guess it would be a little easier if I had a couple job offers but in the world of teaching world languages, there are so few jobs. I knew that when I started this Master's. I just wanted to give myself some credentials to teach in my home country. Maybe I should just leave again and go to a country that has language jobs and where they value teachers. But that would mean picking up and starting all over again.
Leaving is what I am good at. Staying is a challenge. I still can't figure out which one is more rewarding. So I'll leave it up to what opportunities come my way. And in the meantime, I'll write my Benjamin Franklin list going through the positives and negatives of leaving/staying. That may ease my worries a little and it will make me feel a bit more productive than I have been today. I am determined to find something to make me smile before this day is over.
I have spent the last year and a half back at home in Durham, North Carolina to better myself and my prospects. What I have found, as a result, is that my job prospects are not so good and that I left, perhaps, my best companion in France. Isn't this all so ironic?
What I am feeling is probably not unreasonable but it seems like I should be a little happier. I mean I'm getting a Master's degree, in the field that interests me! I'm a much better teacher than I was before I started a Master's. Isn't that supposed to make me happy? Aren't I supposed to be celebrating? I guess it would be a little easier if I had a couple job offers but in the world of teaching world languages, there are so few jobs. I knew that when I started this Master's. I just wanted to give myself some credentials to teach in my home country. Maybe I should just leave again and go to a country that has language jobs and where they value teachers. But that would mean picking up and starting all over again.
Leaving is what I am good at. Staying is a challenge. I still can't figure out which one is more rewarding. So I'll leave it up to what opportunities come my way. And in the meantime, I'll write my Benjamin Franklin list going through the positives and negatives of leaving/staying. That may ease my worries a little and it will make me feel a bit more productive than I have been today. I am determined to find something to make me smile before this day is over.
Equilibre
Je suis dans un état où il y a des cordes qui me tirent dans plusieurs sens; je ne peux que penser d'un seul à la fois. D'une part, je suis une étudiante et j'ai des obligations pour terminer mes études. C'est pour moi un de mes premiers priorités. D'autre part, je suis en chômage et j'ai besoin de trouver un travail dès que possible. Depuis mars, je n'ai plus la force de faire les deux simultanément. Je bats juste pour finir le dernier cours de l'année scolaire.
Heureusement, d'un autre côté, je ne pense plus à trouver quelqu'un. Je réalise que d'être seule est parfaitement acceptable et même, agréable. Je ne vais plus penser que d'être seule est une chose négative. Ca y est. Je me sens guérie. Et de plus, je me sens confiante.
Early morning pursuit
I have armed myself with a to-do list that I created last night. This will protect me from asking "what should I do today?" I'd say I'm off to a good start.
The oatmeal I made this morning was delicious. Only two months ago I never would have touched it. My mother has persuaded me with a little brown sugar (which I have missed so much over the past 5 years). I've come up with another yummy idea which is to add cinnamon. It's supposed to be good for circulation. That and the oats which can lower cholesterol make for a healthy breakfast.
Next up I am off to look for my 2011 companion which will follow me everywhere - a new daily planner. It is no easy feat to find one that has all the necessary components - maps, time zones, metric conversions, a calendar for each month, and weekly pages to follow with enough room to write appointments, classes, social events, etc... It is also very important to have notes pages and certain holidays listed. Comme c'est difficile!
When I lived abroad, I noticed that the UK had a pretty good handle on daily planners but the French a little less so. The French make beautiful paper products but in notebooks and planners they are severely lacking. Most of the notebooks are filled with graph paper instead of lined paper. All of my foreign friends (those who were expatriates like me) didn't seem to notice so maybe I am just a little too picky. I never gave up until I found a lined paper notebook. It did make me happy so I suppose it was worth it. And I always waited to buy my daily planner at home.
I plan to leave Office Depot satisfied like last year. After I accomplish that, I have some administrative work to do and once that is finished I will reward myself with a challenging 6 mile run. It has finally warmed up a little bit in good old Durham so I want to take advantage and play outside a little. That covers the day but what about tonight?
The evenings have become a sore point. I find myself lonely and bored after dinner. I yearn to go out and see people but I don't have that big of a network yet. Last night my friend was unable to meet up with me so I bit back my fears about blogging and went for it. I felt good for accomplishing something I had planned on doing for the past month or so. I also read the Financial Times and watched the second movie in the trilogy "Millenium". The books are better but I always like to see how a book is brought to life on screen. These films so far have been a very nice surprise. But the point I'm trying to make here is that instead of feeling sorry for myself that I have no evening plans, I can easily enjoy myself doing little projects or watching a movie.
The oatmeal I made this morning was delicious. Only two months ago I never would have touched it. My mother has persuaded me with a little brown sugar (which I have missed so much over the past 5 years). I've come up with another yummy idea which is to add cinnamon. It's supposed to be good for circulation. That and the oats which can lower cholesterol make for a healthy breakfast.
Next up I am off to look for my 2011 companion which will follow me everywhere - a new daily planner. It is no easy feat to find one that has all the necessary components - maps, time zones, metric conversions, a calendar for each month, and weekly pages to follow with enough room to write appointments, classes, social events, etc... It is also very important to have notes pages and certain holidays listed. Comme c'est difficile!
When I lived abroad, I noticed that the UK had a pretty good handle on daily planners but the French a little less so. The French make beautiful paper products but in notebooks and planners they are severely lacking. Most of the notebooks are filled with graph paper instead of lined paper. All of my foreign friends (those who were expatriates like me) didn't seem to notice so maybe I am just a little too picky. I never gave up until I found a lined paper notebook. It did make me happy so I suppose it was worth it. And I always waited to buy my daily planner at home.
I plan to leave Office Depot satisfied like last year. After I accomplish that, I have some administrative work to do and once that is finished I will reward myself with a challenging 6 mile run. It has finally warmed up a little bit in good old Durham so I want to take advantage and play outside a little. That covers the day but what about tonight?
The evenings have become a sore point. I find myself lonely and bored after dinner. I yearn to go out and see people but I don't have that big of a network yet. Last night my friend was unable to meet up with me so I bit back my fears about blogging and went for it. I felt good for accomplishing something I had planned on doing for the past month or so. I also read the Financial Times and watched the second movie in the trilogy "Millenium". The books are better but I always like to see how a book is brought to life on screen. These films so far have been a very nice surprise. But the point I'm trying to make here is that instead of feeling sorry for myself that I have no evening plans, I can easily enjoy myself doing little projects or watching a movie.
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