Learning that someone you love now loves someone else is always a blow: a blow to the ego, a blow to the heart, a blow to the mind. I sometimes wonder whether life would be better, happier without falling in love or being in love. I more often remember the love lost and the pain then the love in the moment. I suppose that is because I have been unlucky in love for so many years.
I am happy knowing that I love my friends and my family deeply. I am happy knowing that they love me. I can trust them and it is understood that even when mistakes are made, love is not lost.
On the other hand, romantic love has never been like that for me. I have never felt so loved in a relationship. I keep seeking and hoping to find a loving and caring companion. That is so predictable to say but it is true. The point is that I am active about finding love and happiness. I have a hard time having faith that I will find it. I want to believe that it will happen.
That faith is what has gotten me nowhere in love. I have not had faith in myself with regards to the other sex. I have never felt good enough or worthy enough until recently. Maybe that is why I have not attracted the right kind of people. Maybe faith is all you need.
I know that what would make me happy right now is the love and understanding of a friend on the phone, a yummy brownie (sorry Passover), and a glass of wine. That should do the trick.
